Heartbreak. We have all come in contact with it at one time or the other in our lives. Whether you heard about it, or you’ve experienced it, it is one thing you would never pray for. Sure, we all laugh when we hear the story of the guy that suddenly began to iron his dirty clothes at midnight, or of the girl that pleaded to share her jilted boyfriend with the other girl.
Yeah sure—It sounds funny, sometimes even ludicrous. In reality, these are people that have been dealt the cold, unsmiling hand of heartbreak. People who are just looking for ways to let go of the pain.
So, then, what has happened has happened. Like they say, it’s no use worrying over what we cannot change. The question remains, How do we make sure this never happens again? How do we preserve our fragile hearts from all the trauma, loneliness, sense of loss, effects on self-esteem; plus battles with bitterness, hatred and jealousy that is associated with heartbreak? What is the way out?
How It Started.
For heartbreak to happen, there must have been a “heart”, and a “breaker”. We’d all agree with this. Just like it takes two eggs to make an omelette, it takes two people to create an heartbreak.
It’s easy to blame. Oh—so easy! We blame the other person; Why could he be so selfish?, Why would she be so heartless? We blame ourselves; I should have known better, I should have been smarter. Sometimes, we even curse, and threaten and make stupid vows; I would never fall in love again, I would never trust a man ever again.
We do all these things, but we fail to get to the root of the matter. We oh so ardently refuse to sit down and think… about the questions that really matter, “How did this happen?” “Why did this happen?”
The answer is quite simple: The Absence of Individuality.
The truth is, you enter a relationship, or situationship (Check out 5 Behaviours That Reveal You’re In a Situationship), with selfish reasons, and with unreasonable expectations.
You don’t feel loved, so you expect that, at least, in a relationship, the other person would “provide” the love that you so desperately yearn for. You feel so lonely, so you expect that those “lovey-dovey” conversations; those chats and calls and visits, will fill up that empty space that threatens to eat you. Well, it’s painful but the truth is, deep down, you don’t love yourself. Allow me to take a brief detour.
Loneliness is a Disease.
Yes, you saw that right. Solomon (the one and only) said, “He who would have friends must be friendly.” (Proverbs 18:24)
What does that mean? If you’re lonely, it is because you’re not a friendly person. If you’re lonely, you’re “sick,” because God created You to be whole in your aloneness; not lonely, not yearning for someone to make you whole.
If you’re lonely, find someone who is alone (all one; unique, separate; not half-empty) and make friends. Begin to reach out.
Loneliness is a sickness that comes from not understanding who you are and from being afraid or too proud to make close friends.
You can tell whether you’re a whole person by how well you keep company with yourself. Some people are afraid to be alone. They always want other people around, because they do not like themselves, or they are so empty they have to live through others.
The Way Out.
Thank you for staying with me. I have established that the reason that that heartbreak occurred, is because you did not love yourself enough to make it work. Put clearly, it is because two persons, who are half-whole, enter a relationship trying to steal from each other what is needed for Wholeness—uniqueness, personality, things that make the other person special.
Well, the way out is simple: You Must Love Yourself.
Before you love others, you must love yourself. Not self-centredness, or selfishness, not pride or even self-love. Loving yourself is about finding who you are in Christ and as a person, and coming to terms with it.
In Matthew 22:39, Jesus said to love their neighbours as themselves. You cannot love your neighbour unless you love yourself.
Myles Munroe puts it better,
People “fake one another out” with false hugs and kisses in church. They appear to be so loving—when they hate themselves.
“God bless you, pastor. I love you.”
I do not want any “God bless you’s” from people who do not even like themselves.
The next time someone says to you, “I love you”, try answering, “But do you love you?”
It is not important whether you say you love me. This thing is not going to work until you love you, because if you do not love you, you are going to be looking to me to make up for that. You are going to expect from me more than I can possibly give, in order for you to make up for what you lack in yourself.
The long and short of the matter is this:
Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God with your whole heart, and the second is to love your neighbour to the same degree you love yourself (Luke 10:27)
That means the key is loving you, not other people. You can only love people to the extent that you accept and love yourself.
Parts of “Loneliness is a Disease” and “The Way Out” are Culled from Culled From Single, Married, Separated, & Life After Divorce by Myles Munroe.