Everyone talks about moving on like it’s bread and butter. Or like it’s cake and ice-cream. You got dumped? “Oh, it’s all for the best, pick up your crown and move on”. She left you for some richer guy? “na man you be forget am move on”. He cheated? “yasss Queen you deserve better, leave his cheating ass and move on”. She doesn’t call you but only asks you for money? “Guy, free this girl she no like you” In an abusive relationship? “your life is important, please leave for your children’s sake and move on”. You caught her with her supposed “bestie”?
Your friends: “she belonged to the streets anyway, move on”. He isn’t taking you out on fancy dates or buying you designers? “this nigga doesn’t like you, he’s probably spending all his money on some other chic, girl please move on”.
We dish out this phrase “move on” in every given situation. It is usually the first answer to any problem. Sometimes it is justified but other times it’s not. In our world today, we like to jump ship at the very first sign of trouble. When things do not go according to what your small brain imagines or want we just up and leave. Fine, it’s your right, freedom of movement. But then no one ever talks about how difficult it is to actually move on.
Except you had no feelings or emotions for your ex-partner you would realize that moving on is the hardest phase of a breakup or “disappointment” or a failed relationship (If you have a contrary opinion, I’d love to hear it). It is the final stage of the grief cycle. It is the one phase some people never get to. You see them being stuck in their past unable to let go.
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Should we talk about the stalking, the heaviness in your heart, the constant flashbacks, the mind tricks? The list is endless. How about waking up every morning feeling empty and going to bed feeling worse? Or the constant reminder that you’re now alone and there’s no one to call yours. It’s even worse if they have moved on to someone else. Then whilst they have someone to call theirs, you are back to square one (except you have a plan B).
So you are just there, empty and emotionless. In a bid to shake off this feeling, your friends and the Internet advice you to get yourself busy, learn a new language, take a vacation, get a new hobby, take up more tasks in the office, learn a new skill, go out more, start a business, hang out more with your friends, have someone you can really talk to, do whatever and anything to keep your mind and yourself busy so you don’t have a relapse.
All of these advice are very helpful if we are to be sincere because most times it does bring good results. But the process of actually doing all of these is a herculean task. It takes time, effort, and mental dedication to actually pull through. Because in the process of trying to learn a new language, your mind would drift to the good ol’ days and you just find yourself constantly zoning out. Been with friends help particularly if they’re aware of your situation. Because you call them your friends, they’d definitely not want you to moan over a dead girl or nigga and so most certainly would keep you entertained.
But we are humans, there is a tendency for us to go back to the 3rd phase or even the 2nd phase of grief, and that is perfectly fine. The moving on phase varies for different people. Because your brother moved on in 2 months doesn’t mean you’d move on Min less, yours could take 18 months and that’s completely fine. Experts give at least 24 months to fully move on, so you have enough time to work on yourself. You’re not allowed to under no circumstances, beat yourself up. Or try to hasten the ‘moving on’ phase, that is only going to backfire eventually.
Allow yourself to heal. This phase is also the one phase that brings the best out of you. This is because when you have finally moved on from a bitter or failed situation, you rediscover yourself, you are filled with a new limit. You are more empowered and strengthened as an individual. You realize the limit to which you can endure pain. Moving on makes you a different human, it is left for you to choose if you want to come out better or worse.